The Power and Perfection of No

Posted on March 5, 2013 by Helane Fronek

I’m writing this post from Japan, a beautiful and cultured country. Excited about encountering such a different culture, I’ve read several guidebooks that describe the sights as well as the people of Japan. For centuries, the Japanese were not allowed to leave the islands, and foreigners were not permitted to enter. This isolation led to arts and traditions that are prized throughout the world. It also allowed the development of a distinct culture – one that values honor, loyalty, and, above all, harmony. In order not to upset or insult others, the Japanese have evolved a manner of communication in which the word “no” is rarely used. If someone requests something you cannot do, you might say that their request is “difficult.” If they ask for an object you don’t have, you might pretend to look around and say that you’ll ask your supervisor. The Japanese understand this, as well as the body language that goes along with the discomfort of not being able to satisfy a request. So in the service of maintaining harmony, they drop their request. Many of us westerners also have difficulty saying, “no,” but our culture doesn’t help others understand our true meaning and we are then stuck with our “yes.”

Why do we do this?

We might not want to upset the person. We might not want them to dislike us. We might have a certain image of who we are – someone who gets things done, who others can count on, who doesn’t disappoint our families or friends. There are many reasons why we hear ourselves saying, “yes,” and then later wish we hadn’t said that.
One strategy that helps many of the compulsively over-committed is to simply respond, “Let me think about it and get back to you,” whenever someone makes a request of you. Like any habit, this takes time and repetition to install into your repertoire of ready responses. But once you say this, you can think over the request in the safety of your own space and consider the following questions:

Does this activity honor your values?
Steven Covey, in The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, reminds us that it’s easy to say “no” when there’s a burning “yes” somewhere in our mind.
Do you have time for it?
Look at your calendar and schedule the time that you will need to put into the new project. If you don’t have time but want to say yes, what will you cut out in order to make the necessary time?
Is there another way to be involved that won’t take as much time?
If you can’t commit to attending every committee meeting or helping in the planning of the event, can you be involved in an advisory role?
Do you appreciate the concept, but have little interest in participating?
Expressing your appreciation for the efforts of those who are involved may itself be an important contribution, adding to the enthusiasm of the participants, even if you decline.

As busy healthcare providers, we have a lot on our plates. Saying yes to activities that don’t reflect our values or add quality to our lives is not an effective strategy for creating the lives we want. While harmony is important, communication is most efficient when we can learn to say yes when we mean yes and no when we mean no. And with our honesty, we will actually be the person who others can count on, the one who gets things done because we are truly invested and excited about them, and who doesn’t disappoint others by not following through on the commitments that we grudgingly accepted.
As a coach, I might challenge my over-committed clients to say “no” to three requests per day, just to become comfortable with it. Or I might ask them to reply to every request with the suggestion above, to take some time before getting back to the person. So I’m asking you…what do you really want to say “no” to?

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Seeing people for real

Posted on February 22, 2013 by Helane Fronek

Last night, a friend shared a story that really struck me. A waitress approached a family of three sitting at a table in a diner and asked what they would like to eat. The little girl replied, “I’ll have a hot dog and a soda.” The father quickly interrupted and emphatically corrected her. “No, she’ll have meatloaf, mashed potatoes and a glass of milk.” The waitress continued to look at the little girl and asked, “what do you want on your hot dog?” In response, the girl exclaimed, “she thinks I’m real!”

How often do we fail to see the people in our lives for who or what they are – real people with their own ideas, preferences and aspirations?

Recently, I saw a patient who the entire staff labeled, “difficult.” It is true that she had come in many times complaining. She didn’t like the result of her treatment, she wouldn’t follow the post-treatment recommendations and she didn’t seem to want to go away. Having never met her, I decided to enter the room with fresh eyes and no pre-judgments. What I saw was a women with a poor result who was frustrated because she wasn’t able to follow the recommendations that might have made her more comfortable and worried because she didn’t understand why she hadn’t had the same good result she had in the past.

So I wonder, what would it be like to approach each difficult situation or person with what is often called, “beginner’s mind” – an open mind that is willing to see what is present as if for the first time?

So here’s my plan – I’m going to spend today looking at each person I meet as if I am encountering them for the first time – to see who they really are, what they’re really interested in and what makes them unique. I’m excited about the new perspectives I’ll find and the deeper and richer interactions I’ll have as a result. I hope you’ll join me in this today – and maybe even for the rest of our lives.

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The grace and gifts of no attachment

Posted on February 19, 2013 by Helane Fronek

Tonight I had the opportunity to speak to a group of high school students who are interested in a career in healthcare. 100 students gather monthly to hear talks by local physicians about a variety of subjects – mine was on communication. I started by showing a funny video of a German Coast Guard officer receiving an SOS call exclaiming, “We’re sinking, we’re sinking!” In response, the officer asks, “What are you thinking about?” We talked about how important communication is in all aspects of life, and how poor communication is everywhere. We discussed the culture of silence that exists in many fields, clearly portrayed in the recent movie, Flight, in which Denzel Washington plays an alcoholic, drug-addicted pilot whose co-pilot remains silent as Denzel drunkenly takes his seat and falls asleep at the wheel. We all remain silent at times when we would like to speak up – when we overhear a hurtful comment or feel that something is unfair. We do this mostly because we don’t have the skills to hold such a difficult conversation. The students practiced several communication skills and appeared to be increasingly interested in the subject. Afterwards, a few students came up to thank me. And one student commented that the exercise was completely unrealistic and would never be useful in his life.

We all work hard to do the best job we can.
So how do we accept the fact that there will always be someone who feels that what we have to offer is useless?

When our kids were young, I would frequently share my opinions about what was best for them. As you might expect, many of those ideas appeared to “fall on deaf ears!” Interestingly, there were times when one of the kids would come home from a friend’s house explaining that the mother of their friend gave them a great suggestion – and it was exactly what I had spoken about weeks earlier. In our child’s mind, it originated with their friend’s mother, definitely not with me.

There were other times when I would suggest a certain plan to a patient, only to have them disregard it. Months or years later, they would follow “my” advice – after someone else had suggested it to them.

In years gone by, I might have felt hurt that the student thought my presentation was useless. After all, I worked hard to learn these skills and they have been very helpful in my life. But, being attached to my ideas is usually a recipe for disappointment. I have no way of knowing what is best for another person, or when my suggestion might be helpful for their situation. Since they have an entirely different life experience and thus a different view of the world, it’s also likely that what I have learned through my own unique experience is not applicable to them. Or perhaps it’s not relevant at this time in their life. What I can do is simply present what I believe to be true and offer it for those to whom it seems meaningful. If others don’t find it helpful, it certainly doesn’t make it less true or any less important for me or others. Remaining unattached to the reception of my presentation or the outcome of my work leaves me with a sense of peace and grace.

We all have experiences that might make a difference to someone. Don’t let your attachment to the outcome prevent you from sharing them. They might be just what the person needs – now or at some time in the future. We just don’t know, do we?

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Want a less stressful life? (Tough conversations made easy!)

Posted on January 28, 2013 by Helane Fronek

Is there a situation in your life that drives you crazy?
An employee who continues to do a poor job?
A child, relative, or friend who acts in a way you have asked them to stop?
A work or home environment that encourages poor behavior or that creates unnecessary tension or animosity?

We frequently obsess over these challenging situations and believe they will never change. We withdraw from even considering a conversation to address it, as we already have a list of reasons why it won’t work. (In fact, we rarely know for certain what the outcome of any interaction will be.) Instead, we prefer to suffer with our dissatisfaction. And that diverts precious time and energy from our already busy lives.

What if holding these conversations were easy?

Disclosure: Many years ago, I allowed an incompetent employee to remain in my practice for four years. While I was paralyzed by my concern for her and her family’s financial welfare, afraid that I wouldn’t find someone to take her place, and handicapped by a lack of skill in communication, she and I were burdened with the awareness of her inaccuracies, the morale in the office was negatively affected, and I became increasingly frustrated and irritable. In the end, I abruptly let her go when her lack of expertise became a liability. Fast forward a few years and a lot of communication training and I can see how easily this situation might have been addressed – honest!

Before holding a difficult conversation, it’s important, as the people at VitalSmarts recommend, to “start with your heart.” Ask yourself, what do I want for the other person? For our relationship? For the organization? For me? Armed with the answers to these questions, you can then construct an entry and a conversation to address the situation.

If the situation involves an employee who performs poorly, you might decide that you want the person to become more competent so that s/he feels more confident and happier about his/her work. You might realize that the relationship is becoming strained because your requests for certain changes have been met with no significant action, and you would prefer to believe the person to be trustworthy and committed to the practice. It’s likely that the organization would benefit from an improvement in this person’s performance. And you certainly would like to remove this worry from your life.

Given this set of answers to the questions, you might begin by informing your employee that you would like to have a conversation and asking if this is a good time. Explaining that you have concerns about his/her job performance and how it’s affecting him/her, your relationship and the practice would be a good introduction. Then, you can follow these simple steps:
1. Be very specific about the overall behavior and the instances in which it was manifested. Generalizations such as “you’re rude,” or “you seem unmotivated” don’t convey enough specific information to allow the person to understand the issues or to change.
2. Review your motivations and concerns (the answers to your questions) so the person can see the consequences of their behavior and the importance of change.
3. Again, be specific about what changes you are requesting and what that will look like. 4. Ask the person if they feel there are any obstacles to this change.
5. Inquire how you might support them in making the changes – do they need additional training or mentoring?
6. Finally, inform them when you will expect the changes to be made – by the end of the day? Within 2 weeks? Over the next 2 months?

I can imagine that some people might think, “I could never hold a conversation like that – it sounds too uncomfortable!” So I’d like to let you in on a little secret – no one likes to have these conversations. But if you are clear about why you want the change – what you want for you, your relationship, the organization and the other person – you will see that you are performing a kind and generous gesture in the service of greater satisfaction for everyone involved. And you won’t believe how easy it was!

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Taking time for good communication can save a knee – or more

Posted on January 23, 2013 by Helane Fronek

For football enthusiasts, this season had some great moments and standout players. Russell Wilson of the Seahawks, and, of course, Robert Griffin III of the Redskins, who revived the franchise with his athletic abilities and leadership. But late in the season, after he had already hurt his knee, RGIII played in the playoff game against the Seahawks. It was likely during this game that he tore his ACL and LCL. Many people are again pointing to the violence of the game and bodily damage suffered by NFL players. They blame the culture in which players are encouraged to play through pain so they don’t appear weak. They blame the NFL for not informing players of the risk or mandating better protection. But I would argue that poor communication at many levels contributed to this problem. RGIII’s coach, Mike Shanahan, commented that Dr. James Andrews gave the go ahead for RGIII to play. Dr. Andrews said that he was surprised and worried that Griffin was allowed to play and that he simply waved his hand. The coach also stated that the player himself said that he was “hurt” but not “injured” and “that was good enough for me.” Clearly, no one took the time or effort to make sure that accurate communication was also at play.

How often do we accept poor communication in our own lives?

Incomplete, vague, or complete lack of communication abound. How many times do we enthusiastically tell an acquaintance that “we should get together,” knowing that this will never happen? Or perhaps we stand by, offended yet silent, as we hear a racial or ethnic slur. At other times we allow someone to believe that we agree, when we don’t, because we “don’t want to get into it.” Recently, I was told that someone was angry with me, yet I was cautioned not to discuss it with the person because my informer didn’t want the individual to know he had told me. Communication lapses can even be life threatening. In medicine, there is a well known tendency to be silent about errors-in-the-making by superiors. During residency, I watched a frustrated cardiology fellow accidentally drop a guide wire on the floor during a Swan-Ganz catheter insertion. Without hesitation, he picked it up and inserted it into the patient’s blood vessel. Knowing my “place” in the hierarchy and this person’s infamous wrath, I started the patient on antibiotics but never objected or reported the incident.

Don Miguel Ruiz encourages us to “Be Impeccable with your Word” as the first and most important principle in The Four Agreements. As he states, “It sounds very simple, but it is very, very powerful.” What would our life be like if we were truly “impeccable” with our word – if what we said was exactly what we believed, and if we did not hold back from expressing our beliefs clearly and completely when it was appropriate to do so? For the next day, be aware of your word – does it accurately reflect what you believe? Is it the truth as you understand it? By carefully considering what we say and making sure that our words represent our honest feelings, we can shed a great deal of worry, open up clear channels of communication to effect change and bolster the common good, and – who knows? We might even protect a knee or save a life at the same time.

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Have yourself a mindful 2013

Posted on January 9, 2013 by Helane Fronek

Well, January is already whizzing by – a week gone, and with what to show for it? As a busy physician with a husband, two kids, volunteer activities, a house money-pit, and many other things pulling my attention here and there, I can go through a whole day and have only a fuzzy recollection of what I actually did, the full content of conversations, or even what my surroundings looked like. Is this your experience of life, too? If so, there is something very simple we can do about it so our lives feel fuller and richer.

The answer lies in becoming more mindful.

Mindfulness is simply bringing an awareness to each thing we do. A simple concept yet seemingly so difficult, given our propensity to be anywhere except where we are. It’s uncomfortable to feel my impatience as I wait in a line, so I pull out my phone and check email or play a game. Driving in the car, I automatically turn on the radio and listen to the news. No “dead time” for me! As I walk down the driveway at night to get the mail, my mind is thinking of all the things I didn’t get done today. But when we do manage to become present to what is really happening, amazing things are waiting for us.

During a mindfulness based stress reduction program I took last year, we were asked to eat one meal mindfully – to place our attention only on the meal so we experienced the taste, smell and the texture of whatever we were eating. One person in our group described her surprise when she truly tasted the Diet Dr. Pepper she was drinking. For years she had held Diet Dr. Pepper as her “favorite drink” but when she actually paid attention, she realized that she didn’t really like the taste of it! (It made me wonder how many things I do or eat that I also don’t like…)

Mindfulness does measurable and important things to our brains. Participants of an 8 week long mindfulness based stress reduction program had MRIs performed before and after the program. After the program the participants had developed increases in gray matter concentration within the left hippocampus, posterior cingulate cortex, the temporo-parietal junction, and the cerebellum (“brain regions involved in learning and memory processes, emotion regulation, self-referential processing, and perspective taking”) compared with the controls. http://www.psyn-journal.com/article/S0925-4927(10)00288-X/abstract

A recent NY Times Magazine article reported on the unusual people of the Greek island of Ikaria. The life on this island is absolutely mindful, as people pay attention to what they feel and need and structure their lives appropriately. They eat healthy diets made from fresh local foods, work hard at what they love to do, sleep when they are tired, and spend lots of time enjoying the company of friends. The result? Ikarians routinely live vibrant lives in excellent health – past 100 years of age. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/28/magazine/the-island-where-people-forget-to-die.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

So what can we, who live in our North American culture of achievement and success, do in order to become more mindful?

Well, it turns out that mindfulness only takes a moment.

Take a moment right now to check in with yourself. Are your shoulders tight? Take 30 seconds to move them around a bit and loosen those tight muscles. You’ll probably find yourself more relaxed when you return your attention to your work. Are you feeling tired? Close your eyes for five minutes and allow your mind to become quiet. Drink a glass of water. Or go outside for a few minutes and breathe the fresh air. It usually doesn’t take much time to feel more awake and invigorated. Feeling worried about what might occur later today? Bring yourself back to where you are now. It is, after all, the only place where you have any ability to make a difference. If there’s something you can do now to affect your future situation, do it. And if not, remain focused on where you are and what you are doing right now. There is certainly nothing to be gained from worrying about something you have no ability to influence and that might not even happen!

So as I walked down the driveway last night to get the mail, I turned my focus to the sky. Wow! The moon was a bright white crescent, with the other part of the disc filled in with a more translucent white. It was breathtakingly beautiful. The constant changes of the moon reminded me of the constancy of change in all of our lives, and renewed my commitment to be mindful in every situation possible so I don’t miss any of the beauty, love or mystery that is there for all of us to behold.

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With warm wishes at the new year

Posted on December 31, 2012 by Helane Fronek

Transitions are always full of emotion – the end of one thing and the beginning of another fills me, and most people, with feelings of gratitude or perhaps disappointment for what was or wasn’t – and excitement and hope or perhaps concern for what might occur in the future. In our home, we were fortunate enough to have the brightness and liveliness of a recent visit from our children. Seeing them in their beds and throughout the house, where they previously belonged, filled me with such a sense of love and rightness. Hearing the details of their lives and sharing the delight of new and fun experiences with them made the holidays even more satisfying. And then they were gone. Off to their own lives, leaving me with mine. The house is now quiet and it feels like there is so much more space. I would be dishonest if I said I wasn’t sad, that I didn’t miss their presence. Being with people we love makes our lives much more enjoyable and richer. But holding on to what was is not sensible (it’s not reality anymore), helpful (nothing is ever accomplished in the past) or compassionate. So what’s in that space that is now available to me – to all of us – as the new year begins?

My wish for each of you is that you find in your new space, each day of 2013, opportunities for joy, for growth, for love and for acceptance of and gratitude for what is real.

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Turning towards the open door

Posted on December 15, 2012 by Helane Fronek

When I was a teenager, I set my sights on winning the presidency of a national organization I belonged to. I arrived at our convention armed with campaign “buttons” made by cutting sticky shelf-lining paper into my initials and a full page of my “platform” ideas. No one had ever taken an election so seriously, but I was eager to win. In my mind, there were things that needed doing and I was going to make them happen. The girls had never seen such an organized and forceful candidate, one who articulated such a clear vision of what we could do together, and I won. I fully expected to embark on a year of bringing my ideas to reality. But as the old saying goes, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”

Soon after the convention, I arrived at the office of the Executive Director, an older man whose wisdom I learned to treasure and whose presence in my life I often miss, who summarily informed me that none of my ideas were possible. In my arrogance, I was angry, since I was sure that my ideas were fantastic. And I was completely deflated. The girls had elected me to do something. How could I let them down? All of my dreams of accomplishing something big suddenly seemed foolish and I felt completely adrift. But as Helen Keller once remarked, “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” Fortunately, our Director didn’t let me waste much time looking at the closed door. He immediately redirected me to something I could do, something that our members could accomplish, and we proceeded to do something big – and important – through the year.

I have to admit that if it had been up to me, I would have dug my heels in and tried to move forward with my plans anyway. In all likelihood, I would have spent a year working furiously to accomplish very little.

Our doors are sometimes opened by tragedy, such as when Candy Lightner’s 13 year old daughter was killed by a drunk driver in 1980. Candy started the organization MADD, whose efforts now save 17,000 deaths each year. At other times, it’s adversity that challenges us to see the possibilities in life. The four year old daughter of a friend of mine was diagnosed with diabetes. Through her sadness, my friend saw that this illness and the personal responsibility it demanded could be a source of strength for her daughter, who is thriving as she confidently takes charge of her life in ways that are unusual for those in her generation. And now, my friend is working toward a doctorate in nursing, using her life experience to create a research project that supports adolescent diabetics by connecting them with nursing students. In other circumstances, the challenge might not be so great. Growing up in Wisconsin, our plans were frequently the casualty of the unpredictable weather. On one day that my mother had planned a picnic, it decided to rain. So she spread the tablecloth out on our green shag carpet (yes, it was the 70’s) and had a picnic anyway.

To paraphrase John Lennon, life is what happens to us when we’re busy making other plans. I often get so attached to my plans and ideas, even when it’s clear that they won’t work. As a result, I get frustrated, angry, and spend way too much time banging on closed doors. That’s not to say that the effort is completely fruitless, since I learn a lot from the process and from my many failures. But we should always ask ourselves when we’re staring at the closed door if there might not be another one open for us.

So my question is, what doors have been opened for you lately?

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A National Day of Listening – Every Day

Posted on December 5, 2012 by Helane Fronek

As I was driving to see a friend the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I turned on NPR to listen to my favorite show, Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! (check it out – hilarious and informative), and heard the newscaster announce that it was the National Day of Listening. Great idea – we have a national day for many things, so why not one for listening? NPR is a big proponent of listening. One of its many great programs is called StoryCorps, which is a collection of brief interviews with people who tell a story from their life. These stories can be of harrowing events, historic situations, or everyday occurrences that teach an important lesson. The stories are usually riveting and very moving – listening to them gives me a greater appreciation for life and usually shows me a different perspective than I have held. In fact, listening is by far the most important aspect of all communication. It’s seemingly ironic that while most of us consider talking to be the essential part of communication, communication is a two-way street in which we need to listen first in order to even determine what we want to say. There is no real communication without listening.

Unfortunately, listening as an art is on the endangered species list.

As we whiz through our lives, communicate electronically, and often feel that we need to multi-task (I am certainly guilty of checking email while supposedly listening on the phone), listening falls lower and lower on our list of priorities. So let’s take a minute and consider what listening is, and how it actually benefits us.

In coaching, we talk about three levels of listening. When we’re listening at level one, we hear what the other person is saying and consider how it relates to us. If someone tells us about their sick dog, we might recall the last time we took our dog to the vet. Or we might decide that they won’t be able to take on the additional responsibility that we were about to ask of them. Level two listening is intensely directed at the other person – we hear and hang on every word they say. Our attention is fully on the subject of their conversation. When we drop into level three listening, we listen less to the words and more to the feeling, the tone of their voice, and what is not being said. If we ask how things are at work and the person pauses before saying, “oh, everything’s ok” in a quiet voice, our level three listening sends out an alarm, telling us that things are not really “ok”and we might ask again in a different way if we really want to know, or quickly change the subject if we don’t want to get into it.

A friend recently told me about the breakthrough she had with a patient when she employed level three listening. The patient repeatedly came in to see her with very high Hemoglobin A1C levels. No matter what the physician tried, the patient’s blood sugar remained uncontrolled. At a recent visit, she asked what he would like to discuss and he simply said, “nothing.” So she continued to gently express her opinion that she was sure there was something that he wanted to talk about until he sadly shared that his son had committed suicide. Clearly, this was important in the patient’s inability to control his blood sugars and pointed his skillful doctor in a very different direction than continuing to educate her patient about diabetes. By listening to what was not being said, she was able to find the real issue that the patient was trying to communicate.

I hope that we can each bring real listening to all of our interactions. The quality of our relationships, the effectiveness of our practice, and our own satisfaction with life can’t help but improve. For my part, I’m turning my computer and distractions off when I talk and am looking forward to hearing – and not hearing – much more of every conversation.

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The power of empathy

Posted on November 11, 2012 by Helane Fronek

I have the delight and privilege of watching (and, I hope, helping) medical students learn how to communicate effectively and efficiently with patients. These first year medical students, many of them only in their early 20’s, are suddenly face to face with another person who is sharing a difficult situation. Domestic violence? Losing their job, health insurance, or home? Struggling to make sense of life when they have lost the most important person in their world? These are crises that most of these students – and probably most of us – have been fortunate enough not to have experienced. And yet, we each see many patients who are going through these difficulties and who turn to us for help or guidance. We are encouraged to show “empathy” – but what exactly is that? How do we relate to people who are going through troubles that we just can’t relate to?

The answer, as Christine Comaford suggests, is to use our own experiences in life to connect to those we are talking with. As a successful CEO, Executive Coach, entrepreneur and former Buddhist Monk, Comaford wields a wide array of experience and skills. She explains that, “if someone is mean or challenging, it’s just because they’re in pain. And so you think, ‘OK, when have I been in pain before.’…when we can exchange our pain for their pain, we can then talk to them far more effectively.”

While we may not have had the experience of being the victim of domestic violence, many of us have experienced fearful times when we felt helpless and trapped. And while we may not have lost someone we love, we may have lost other things that were important to our happiness or gave our lives meaning. Connecting with the emotion of those experiences helps us to understand that the person sitting with us is suffering. Although we may not be able to change their circumstance, simply listening and letting them know that we are a witness to their pain, fear or challenge can be a powerful source of strength and healing for them. As physicians, our role is generally that of an expert – we are supposed to have all of the answers. But feeling as if we have to solve each patient’s problems often gets in the way of feeling empathy for their predicament. In our search for the solution, we move into our heads and out of our hearts. We deprive our patients of our empathy.

Recently, I saw a clear example of the power of empathy. A medical student sat across from an actress who was portraying a patient suffering from domestic violence. Although the student knew that the interaction was “fake” and was created for his learning experience, the woman’s situation touched him in a profound way. He began to lean forward as he connected with her and he stopped trying to remember what he was taught to ask and instead his responses came directly from his heart. He asked about her safety, stressed that she shouldn’t have to be afraid in her own home, and reassured her that he would help with any medical concern. He did not, since he could not, resolve her difficult situation. But she reflected that just knowing that another person heard, understood, and acknowledged her struggle gave her strength and more confidence.

So as we encounter patients, friends, or relatives who come to us with their difficulties, it’s possible that the best thing we can do is to step down from our “expert” pedestal and spend some time just listening. We can find an experience of ours that brought on similar feelings – sadness, grief, fear – and we can feel those feelings, too. By letting the person know that we recognize their struggle, that we understand those feelings, we might be far more useful to them as they face their situation. No life avoids disappointment, pain, or sadness. By acknowledging what the other person feels without rushing in to fix or remove the situation, we tell them that we respect their feelings and we respect them – we believe in their eventual ability to move on from whatever difficulty they are experiencing. That vote of confidence holds more power than we can imagine.

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